Lost and Found

Life ever come at you like a steamroller with no driver behind the wheel?

Like there’s no boundary or wall strong enough to stand up to the aimless destruction?

Yeah…I’m feeling that too.

With all these planets (ahem, PLUTO) stationing direct lately, it feels like life has been suddenly un-paused. And now we’re fast forwarding to where we should be, playing catch-up.

Don’t get me wrong—it’s not all bad. Because yeah, maybe that wall needed to come down anyway. Maybe it is time for that big shift/change in my life. But the feelings of exposure and vulnerability and rawness are pretty intense right now.

Pluto doesn’t mess around. There’s no point in fighting fire with fire. Like trying to drop a bomb inside an active volcano. Forget about it. Change is inevitable. Transformation is life. Parts of ourselves and our lives will need to be broken down, flattened, so we can make space for the new and rise up like the brilliant phoenix once again.

That being said, as I try to process all of this, most of my dreams lately have most certainly been stress dreams. A particularly interesting theme I’ve noticed is being lost in an airport.

Three days before Pluto stations direct, I dream that my sister, my parents, and I are in a small airport. Suddenly I realize I forgot something—like my ticket. My sister is going to drive me home, but we get sidetracked by this seasonal festival that is happening inside the building. There is a scary woman outside the back of the building. My sister is doing all this crazy parkour and running around her. I am trying to outrun her too.

I make it back to my house, and then I am trying to get back to the airport. A car drives by, so I run out into the small yard, through a small gate, and start yelling. The car stops, and I ask where the festival is. They tell me which building it is, so I can find it.

I am back in the building at the festival, but I’m desperately searching for the airport. I know it’s in this building, but I keep getting lost trying to navigate inside.

Finally, I find the door to go through security. I notice I don’t have any bags with me. I see my parents sitting in some seats, and I’m very upset. I’m crying. And I tell them, “I’m going to have to change my flight time.”

And I wake up.

Then, about a week after Pluto is direct, I dream that I am rollerblading around a really small, really old airport. I keep getting lost. And it’s really hard to navigate on rollerblades.

I see an old friend from high school in a food court area. I say or do something, and she gets mad at me.

Then, I am going to this terminal upstairs. I am trying to climb up the stairs in these skates, but it’s really hard! And suddenly, there is a marching band behind me—all geared up and playing loudly. I’m trying to get up these stairs as fast as I can and get out of their way!

Once at the top of stairs, I notice the terminal is dark and abandoned—crap. It’s the wrong one. But I see my friend again. It’s tense at first, but then we just start having casual conversation. That moment when you feel peace and relief…it’s all good. She’s not mad anymore.

I end up skating over to another terminal. I’m sure this one is right. But as I look around, there’s just a bunch of shops and mannequins.

The gate is for arrivals only.

And I wake up.

Feeling lost is such a brilliant metaphor for having your walls come crashing down around you. Yeah, we’re not trapped in a prison of our own creation, but that doesn’t always look like a “prison” when we’re inside. Maybe we feel safe there. We know where our world begins and ends. When Pluto steamrolls our comfort zone, there’s an entirely new world to navigate.

Is it safe?

There’s only one way to find out.

I’d like to bow out of this entry with the counter-theme of being found. I feel like this recent dream is appropriate now that we are officially in Scorpio season, with a direct Pluto, and Halloween is around the corner. The veil is thinning and lifting! ~Be open to what exists beyond.~

I dream that I am in the big house. I am looking through the house and going through things. I look in the closet in the bedroom to the left of the stairs. I also look around in the bathroom upstairs. The cabinets and toilet are all pulled out from the wall, so you can see behind them.

I find a small container with a small envelope. It is filled with small turtle trinkets and figurines. My dad is there. I look at him and say that my sister should have these.

Then, my dad and I are in the backyard. We are standing in front of the flower bed, and an old (really old) bottle from our ancestors suddenly rises up out of the ground. Inside the bottle are four notes. They are labeled: “1*” “2” “3” and “4”.

And I wake up.

I tell my dad about this dream in waking life. And he says that is interesting because he recently buried some things from his sister who has passed away:

1. Her handmade baptism dress
2. A handmade pouch for her dress
3. A toy she gave my dad as a child
4. A note she wrote to my grandmother as a child that says “I love you, Mom.”