Hide-and-Seek

My scream dreams have been ongoing for years now. I call them “scream dreams” because whenever I have this recurring dream, I literally wake myself up screaming. It’s definitely very disturbing—mostly for my partner who sleeps with me. Sounds pretty scary, I know, but the story is more interesting than frightening. And it’s actually what inspired me to start telling my story.

Now, these dreams aren’t technically “night terrors.” I have full recollection of the dream story, and I know how to wake myself up…via screaming—helpful, but also not.

Another interesting fact to note: these dreams most often occur when the Moon is cycling through the sign of Gemini (my natal Moon sign). As you probably know, Gemini is represented symbolically by the Twins: a metaphor for duality. And the theme of duality is exactly what kicks off this recurring dream story.

During the first time I have the dream—I am lying in bed just like I am actually sleeping. The closet door suddenly begins to open on its own. My male cat, Kitter, walks out of the closet. Then, another Kitter walks out. I know something isn’t right. I don’t trust the second Kitter because I don’t know where he came from. I realize there is an evil spirit inside the closet. I start yelling, “Get out! Get out!”

And I wake up.

Versions of this dream reoccur for years after the initial onset. I am always in what I call the “little house,” and the evil spirit is inside that house—either haunting the entire house or sometimes just a specific room. Sometimes it’s the front bedroom, and objects begin swirling around the room. Sometimes the evil spirit gets really ticked off when it’s in the kitchen and bathrooms. It stops the water from running throughout the house. And I keep screaming at it, “Leave!” “Get out!!”

And I wake up.

Then, during the most recent New Moon in Gemini, this past June, there was also a Lunar Eclipse during that time. I had a break-though.

I am in the little house. The evil spirit is roaming around all the rooms. I am in the back bedroom. I see one Kitter. Then, I see a second. But I suddenly realize—my female cat, Cleo, gave birth to the second Kitter. Full grown—yes, strange—but still from her. He’s not evil! I scoop him up and hug him tight. I sense that the evil spirit is walking down the hall towards me. I turn to face that direction. It’s getting closer and closer and closer. It’s about to turn the corner of the hallway. I see the shadow of its feet on the other side of the wall…

And I wake up.

My partner actually wakes me up because I am yelling out, “No! No! No!” I am sweaty and cold in the bed. But as I am lying there awake, I have this sort of epiphany: the evil spirit is not an evil spirit trying to possess me. It’s my own shadow! My shadow self, comprised of my past trauma and fears and pain and self-rejection, is trying to make contact with me.

Incredible! How could I not realize this!

I focus on her for days: trying to convince myself not to be afraid, meditating on healing my past trauma.

I want her to come back. I want to validate her as part of me.

Then, the other night (July 7), the moon was back in Gemini.

This night I am not in the little house; I’m in the “big house” next door. I am in the upstairs bathroom. I see the second Kitter. He is frail and a little warped, struggling to walk. I hear very loud music in the bedroom next door. I walk in, and notice that it is coming from a pink vacuum cleaner. It takes me a minute to figure out how to turn it off, but eventually I do. I begin walking down the stairs. On the bottom floor is a man. He is vacuuming the hardwood floor. I begin screaming and shouting, and objects around me begin shaking and moving and flying. It’s me who is manipulating the space around me—not the spirit as I had once thought. The man downstairs looks up and says, “Sorry, I didn’t see you standing there.” My perspective shifts to his, and I am looking up at the stairs. But I am not standing there.

I am the shadow.

And I wake up.